Ella Jacobs – author

Ella Jacobs - author

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Author name: ella

When a Scene Goes Wrong

Leave a Comment / BDSM, Personal /

When a scene goes wrong What happens when a BDSM scene goes wrong? Some people say it shouldn’t go wrong at all – that good negotiation should prevent it – and some people say you should avoid it at all costs. I say it’s a natural part of playing with BDSM.* Yesterday, I did a scene with S, who I’ve been with for eight years, and J, who we’ve been playing with for quite a while. I was still in my “greeting position” – standing close to the hall with my hands on my back, on display for J when he arrived – and the two men were inspecting me, teasing me, and scaring me a bit with what was to come. Major turn-on as always! When I started moaning, J said something like, “It’s a good thing the neighbors never call the police.” I tensed a bit and said that S and I had already tried that and it wasn’t a sexy experience. Actually, it was extremely uncomfortable for various reasons that I won’t get into here, and what more is, is that the memory brought me back to a night and a time in my life where I was absolutely gutted. J didn’t catch on immediately just how bad an experience it had been and made a few more comments about the police showing up, musing on the idea that I’d probably get wet from seeing their uniforms and how embarrassing that would be. Usually, I’d love this kind of talk – humiliation and embarrassment are a big part of how we play – but this was just too loaded for me to be a turn-on. I can’t remember if it was S or me who said something that made J realize that this was affecting me the wrong way, but once J did realize it did, he immediately stopped. But the damage had been done; I had started turning in on myself and tensing up. But it wasn’t just that I had been triggered. It was also that J hadn’t caught on to how I reacted, which made me feel like he didn’t pay attention to me or care about my feelings. It was an entirely irrational feeling because I’ve felt his care and concern for me so many times. Whenever he sees that things are getting a little too much for me, he readily takes me in his lap, where he holds me and tells me that it’s okay to get overwhelmed and need a break. But feelings can’t always be controlled and especially not in a vulnerable situation like this. I got a hug and a moment to take a few deep breaths before the men continued the scene, but it wasn’t enough. (Later on, S told me that he did notice that I still wasn’t feeling alright but decided to go on anyway because making me focus on something else sometimes helps me move on.) Much as I tried, I couldn’t get back into it, and I drew further in on myself to the point where I was reluctant to crawl to S just to get a hug – I was too tense to obey in any way. Of course, I did end up in his arms, and the scene ended – after barely fifteen minutes – when they realized I was in no place to continue. In the blink of an eye, both men snapped out of dom mode and into protector mode, and we all relocated to the couch, where they took turns holding me and we talked about what had happened. It was particularly difficult to tell J about the irrational feelings, but as always, he listened and was very understanding. After lots of hugs and some talking, we eventually eased back into the D/s dynamics and ended up having an amazing and kinky evening! I feel very lucky and grateful for having two such wonderful, competent, and caring doms who can handle such a situation with the calmness and attentiveness required. They made it possible for me to open up and thus bounce back so the “glitch” didn’t get to define the evening even though it seemed like it would for a while. Negotiation isn’t always enough In my opinion, there’s just no way to prevent things from ever going wrong when playing with something as powerful and intense as BDSM. We’re not big on negotiating in this dynamic – I love going in not knowing what will happen, and S knows me so well that the two men can easily make plans without my input – but even if all three of us had spent time negotiating and talking about consent, it wouldn’t have prevented this situation. There was just no way for me to say that the idea of the police showing up was an issue because I wasn’t aware that it was beforehand. It might even be that it wouldn’t have bothered me as much on another day or in a different situation, and J might have caught on in time if he hadn’t been behind me and if he had been able to see my face, and S might have stopped it earlier if he had caught on that I was spiraling. So many ifs and coincidences that no amount of negotiations could prevent. Some of those people who think things shouldn’t go wrong might say I should have safeworded, but using a safeword is more complicated than it appears. First of all, I won’t safeword unless the situation is absolutely extreme and needs to end right this moment – that’s all part of the dynamic to me. And even asking for a pause seemed like too much at the time because I wasn’t even aware of how bad it was until just before the scene ended. And by the way, isn’t safewording a sign that something went wrong? Isn’t the very existence of safewords an admission that things might go sideways and we need

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Punishment: For Fun or For Real

Leave a Comment / BDSM, Personal /

Punishment: For Fun or For Real After talking to a friend about punishments, I wanted to do this post to show how punishment comes in many different shades.  Before I met my Dom, I had this play partner who loved doling out punishments. He like keeping count of the times I teased him, said something bratty, or such. He was a sadist, and I’m a masochist with a playful personality, so we had a lot of fun. But something deeper, more profound was missing for me. He wasn’t a Dominant, and I’m more submissive than masochist, so I was needed the Dom/sub dynamic to go along with the SM. I got that with a vengeance when I met my Dom (who’s also my boyfriend) a few months later. Suddenly, punishments came to mean something different entirely. Something serious and real. Now, my Dom and I have a lot of fun, and I won’t get punished for teasing him. But if I break his rules—like touching myself without permission—there’s consequences. Ten strikes with the cane or ten minutes with clamps on my n!pples (which I hate). It hurts like hell, and the guilt alone can sometimes get me all choked-up. But even so, I wouldn’t be without it. Because the punishments cements and upholds our dynamic. It pushes me deep into that submissive space where I’m his and nothing else matters. And the feeling afterwards is a rush of intimacy and belonging unlike any other. So even though the first type of punishment is fun and the other is painful and hard, I prefer the latter. That’s the kind of sub I am. I crave that deep connection that comes from letting someone take such profound control over m

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When BDSM hurts

Leave a Comment / Uncategorized /

When BDSM hurts Most books I’ve read about BDSM depict it as something fun and sexy. And it definitely is that too! But there’s also another side to it. One that’s hard and hurts. Twice during the past six months, I’ve spent a whole week in a subdrup-like state and have had several shorter subdrops on top of it. On those days, I’ve been in a sort of depressive state, feeling sad and exhausted. Some days so much that it’s been difficult to get anything done. For me, submitting is a very potent act that drags up a lot of emotions, and none of the times I’ve went into subdrop during the past six months has been due to something going wrong or a lack of aftercare or anything like that. I’ve been in good, competent hands. It’s simply been because a scene has involved something new and very overwhelming that has caused a strong emotional reaction. Like a bad hangover, really. I’ve had reviewers saying my books weren’t BDSM or weren’t real BDSM because there wasn’t enough communication and the Dom failed to provide enough aftercare. But that doesn’t mean it’s not BDSM. It just means it’s not healthy BDSM. I think a lot of people don’t know that this is a very real side to BDSM too. Just like in “normal” relationships, things can go wrong, feelings get hurt, communication fails, and expectations aren’t met. And sometimes, it doesn’t even need to go wrong for things to hurt. That’s how powerful BDSM can be. It can make you soar and fly high, but when strong emotions are at play, it can also make you drop and feel miserable. * Not everyone experiences BDSM this way, but the way I do it, it becomes a very loaded and emotional act. But these kinds of severe drops are very rare, thank God!

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Asking for What You Need

Leave a Comment / Aftercare, BDSM, Personal /

Asking for What you Need Isn’t easy I was doing a read through of “If I Were Yours,” and reading a scene where Clara finally opens up to the two men and lets them know how she feels made me want to do this post. ‘Well done’ I thought, remembering how hard it can be. Especially in a new dynamic. Having been with my Dom for seven years and having had a lot of practice, I thought I was really good at expressing my feelings and needs. We’re really good at talking, and sometimes it feels like I tell him everything—to the point where it’s almost compulsive. If I have a fantasy I’m embarrassed about, I’ll initially tell myself that I can keep that one to myself—I don’t have to tell him all my fantasies. But then when the fantasy pops back into my mind later in the day when we’re together, I can’t help divulging it. I don’t know if it’s because his possession is so deeply rooted withing me or if it’s a need to share my innermost self with him. But that’s the level of openness I have with him. But no matter how good I thought I was, I suddenly faced the challenge of sharing some strong emotions and a very urgent need with him. MfM: Introducing a new man Half a year ago, we started opening our relationship up to the MfM dynamic, and my Dom had planned a scene with another man. It was the first time I was with two men, and I was dreadfully nervous, but so damn aroused. The scene was amazing—every bit as good as the fantasy I’d had for years. My Dom had me blindfolded and half naked (wearing lingerie that didn’t cover any of the important parts), and when the other man came, my Dom presented me to him like this. Nothing crazy happened. The two men watched me and touched me but didn’t even shed their own clothes. But the whole situation of being helpless at the hands of two dominant men, exposed and recieving pleasure from a new man, was overwhelming to say the least. (Not all subs would react so strongly to this, but to me, it’s a very big deal). I was a very happy little sub at the end of the night, but in the following days, I struggled to cope with the emotions of being bared to a new man like that and crashed into a week long subdrop (I have a separate post about this). My Dom gave me plenty of aftercare, but it wasn’t enough. Because two different men had used me, and my Dom could only cover his part. I needed aftercare from the other man to regain my balance. Asking for aftercare I badly needed to be hugged and held by him, but I couldn’t bring myself to confess this to my Dom. Surprisingly, it wasn’t because I was afraid my Dom would get jealous—I knew he’d understand—but because I was afraid to be a burden to the other man. I didn’t want to interrupt him and his probably busy life with my subdrop and need for more aftercare. And maybe there was a part of me that was afraid to get rejected. I spent three days working up the nerve to tell my Dom. When I finally did, my Dom decided to call the other man and let him know. I was so nervous, but it turned out I wasn’t an inconvenience at all—of course (but rationalization doesn’t always work on a vulnerable submissive mind that has been thrust into new waters). The other man came the next evening, took me in his arms and held me. It was just what I needed, and it turned out he was happy to do it too. Because even though power and control are a big part of being a dominant, care and protection is part of it too—at least to a good Dom. But even knowing this, I have a hard time wrapping my head around it, and the fear of asking for what I need and becoming a burden arises anew now that my Dom and I are about to embark on another journey of MfM play with a new man. Practice doesn’t make easy I got a lot of practice in opening up during the time my Dom and I played with the first man. Several times, I felt like I laid it all out there and bared my most intimate emotions. With my Dom, that’s okay to do. But in the new dynamic, I felt excruciatingly vulnerable. After all, I was the sub and had no control over what would happen, and the whole situation was very uncertain. Neither of us knew where it would lead or how long it would last. In ways I felt like I gave too much too quick, but BDSM tends to force out strong emotions in no time. It’s often necessary with the things we play with in this lifestyle. And the act of submitting is, in and of itself, an extremely intimate act. At least to me it is. This is why communication is so incredibly important when playing with BDSM. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Being a submissive at heart, it’s ingrained in me to be the one who submits and not the one who asks for things. In a long term dynamic that I feel safe in, I can usually override this, though, but when a new Dom comes into the picture, it’s like my submissive side goes on steroids, plus insecurities arise, making it even harder. So this is when I need to work extra hard on, Because without good communication, it simply won’t work.

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Welcome to my writing cave

Leave a Comment / Writing /

Welcome to my writing cave LocationI often see authors posting a picture of their writing space. I’d love to do the same, but I don’t have a fixed writing cave—a specific desk or nook where I work. My writing cave is wherever I am whenever inspiration strikes. When I’m in a rewriting or editing phase, I’ll typically write on my laptop, at a table, or on the couch. But when I get new ideas and the inspiration really flows, I’ll write just about anywhere. I’ll type away at my phone when I’m out for a walk, reach out from behind the shower curtain when an idea strikes, or in the parking lot before going in to do some shopping. Once, I even spent an hour writing in a line to get a corona test. Also, of course, with the types of stories I do, I like to write in bed sometimes too with my vibrator at hand. When inspiration is slow, one of the best ways to get it going is to get away. It’s not always possible, but when it is, it really does the trick. Leaving behind my everyday life and all the stress and pressure that comes with it clears my head. I’ll often spend a lot of time on vacations writing. And when my Dom and I go to the zoo or something like that—I find it very peaceful to watch animals—we’ll find a bench and just sit there, him reading and me writing. When we went to Spain in January, I would spend a lot of time at the harbor. Same scenario. Him reading, me writing. RoutineMy routine is as fickle as the location. When I’m in the creative part or the process, I can write for an entire day. I think my record is 10.000 words in a day—though this is very rare. Especially if I’m alone, I’ll just keep writing and writing non-stop. It messes with my sleep, and I forget to eat, so I usually can’t keep this intensity up for more than a week, tops. Then there’s the other side of the spectrum where I’ll go days without writing a single word. After I released Not Yours to Keep in October, I was so fed up with everything related to books that I had to take a long break. On top of that, some things happened in my personal life, which took up a lot of space in my mind as well as emotionally. Not only was my regular work really busy, but my Dom also started sharing me with another man—the fantasy come to life. I got some really great highs out of this, but the subdrops rendered me all but usual, once for a whole week. (I’ve written a blog post about this: https://dev.ellajacobs.com/crashing-into-subdrop/). So that was two months where I didn’t manage anything significant on the writing front. But now I’m going again at a more steady pace, writing most days. ProjectsJust like the location and routine is ever-changing, so is my focus, inspiration, or ability to stay on one project. Sometimes, I can spend a couple of months on one story—especially if I have a certain goal such as release or some good feedback to work with. But at other times, I’ll change projects from one week to the next. This is simply how my creativity works. It can go on for months upon months without a break as long as I feed it some different plots and characters. But if I try to force it to stay on one story, it will run dry and require a break. This is why I have more than five active works in progress. And I can’t wait to share them all with you!

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Crashing into Subdrop

1 Comment / Aftercare, BDSM, Subdrop /

Crashing into Subdrop It’s been years since I crashed into a severe subdrop—so long I almost forgot just how bad it can be even though I’ve been writing about it a lot. But then it happened. I fell, and I fell hard and long. For several days, I was depleted. Not just tired. It felt like all the energy had been sucked straight out of me and refused to return. I couldn’t do much else but get the bare minimum of my day job done and lie on the couch the rest of the day. New depthsI thought I was getting sick, but the fatigue never went further. No sore throat or runny nose. It was purely the aftereffects of an intense scene. I’d never tried anything like it. When I started seeing my Dom seven years ago, I would go into subdrop quite often. It would hit me like a strike of lightning—usually after I’d come home in the afternoons, luckily. Suddenly, I’d feel depressed and sad for no apparent reason. I’d often cry too, feeling completely gutted. But it usually went away within a few hours. So this time, when it just kept dragging me down for days, I must say I was a bit worried. Back when I started seeing my Dom, the circumstances were such that we couldn’t be together after a scene. He’d drive me home at night, and then we’d stay in touch through texts. This separation was really hard on me, and when I dropped and he asked me what I needed, I badly wanted to say you. I needed to feel him, to be held, and have the man who tore through my defenses build them back up. But I didn’t want to be a burden, seem needy, or ask for things I wasn’t sure I was supposed to want. So I never expressed my most urgent need. Luckily, this situation didn’t last long. Circumstance changed, and within months, I was living with my Dom most of the time. This meant more aftercare, nights spent together after intense scenes, and bye bye subdrop. There has been small drops of course, but nothing as severe as those gutted, lonely hours I experienced during our first months together. So why now?At first, I thought it was because the scene leading up to it was really intense. And it was. But then someone told me it was also because what had happened during the scene was new and very big, and things suddenly added up. The scene was something I had dreamt of for years—my Dom sharing me with another man. But it was also something that really pushed my boundaries, and I was incredibly nervous several days before. So it was all very new, exciting, and nerve-racking. When I started seeing my Dom, everything was new too. Him, of course, but also the way we played. It was much more intense and real than anything I’d tried before. He was the first true dominant I was with. Not just a sadist or someone who experimented with BDSM for my sake. No, he wanted to take my submission as much as I wanted to give it, and that was huge for me. So comparing the situation back then with the one now, it makes a lot of sense that the whole newness of the scene was part of the reason I dropped so hard. But even though my Dom gave me plenty of aftercare in the days following the scene, I felt afloat, unable to find my footing. Something was missing. Asking for what I neededAs the days passed and the uneasy feeling intensified, it became more and more clear that it was the need for aftercare from the other man who’d dominated me. Aftercare wasn’t just aftercare. I needed it from both men who had pushed me far out of my comfort zone and taken something very personal—my submission. But I had a really hard time telling my Dom this. Not because I was afraid he’d feel bad about me needing another man to help me out of subdrop, but because I didn’t want to be a burden—again, something that ties back to the early days of our relationship. Usually I can tell my Dom everything, but this time it took a lot of rumination and a long talk with a girlfriend for me to gather the nerve to tell my Dom what I truly needed. And I’m so glad I did. My Dom called the other man, who came the next evening and gave me the aftercare I badly needed. The man my Dom had shared me with also reassured me that it was quite normal to feel the way I did and that he liked giving me aftercare. It didn’t magically fix me, but I think it made all the difference. It was like a burden off my chest, and I felt a lot better the next day, and my energy slowly started to return.

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Living an Age Gap Romance

1 Comment / Age Gap, BDSM, Personal /

Living an Age Gap Romance I met S—my Dom and boyfriend—seven years ago; he was 48 at the time and I was 23. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine we would still be together so many years later. Having just gotten out of a relationship, I wasn’t looking for anything serious, and the age gap was just too big to warrant a long-term relationship, right? Well, it turned out not to be. I’m crazy about S and still find my stomach fluttering when he winks at me or says something funny that really shouldn’t be funny. He’s the person I tell everything to—small and big—and the person who knows me the best. I can’t imagine a life without him and don’t want to. But when you’re in a relationship with such a huge age gap, you know that one day you will, and that thought is terrifying. But nothing comes without a flipside, and there are so many good things that this is not worth too many worries. The best thing about age gap The best things in our relationship doesn’t stem from the age difference—it’s plain and simple chemistry. But I do love the dynamic it creates. Being in a Dom/sub relationship, the age difference lends some weight to the dynamic. S’s age lends him a certain type of authority. Having that much life experience simply gives you an advantage—more knowledge about yourself and the world and a certain grounding. Of course, all men are different, and you can find fifty-year-old men no more mature than a teenager, but I do believe it’s rare to find the kind of grounding that comes with age in a thirty-year old man. Another great thing—and I think this holds true for a lot of women who find an older man—is his maturity and responsibility. I came from a relationship with a guy who hadn’t anything figured out, and instead of trying to bring about change, he would play computer games all day. If I wanted him to join me for dinner, I had to warn him forty minutes before, so he wouldn’t start a new game. Going from this to a man with a steady job and a good income, who would insist on enjoying the dinner I’d prepared together, was no less than abso-fucking-lutely wonderful! Though, finding an older man doesn’t guarantee maturity. I have a friend who dated a guy over ten years her senior, and when people would ask her why she would be with someone that much older, she’d tell them they were the same place in life—they were both studying, trying to figure out what they wanted to do. I get her need to explain, but I don’t really see this as a compliment to the guy and don’t think she ever got the full dating-an-older-man experience with him. Unlike her, I’d never explain my relationship by highlighting the similarities. S and I are SO different and at very different places in life, yet somehow we are perfectly compatible. This was difficult for my mother to get when I told her I was seeing someone much older. She was afraid I’d found one of those middle-aged men who’d never grown up. I mean, she took it even worse than when I told her I was into BDSM. But this was as far from the case as anything gets. S has been married and has kids and had never been in a relationship with more than a five year age difference before me. Though, I get where she was coming from—just watch the movie “Something’s Gotta Give.” Plus, it must be strange as a mother to find out your daughter is dating someone her age, right? It took a long time before I could talk to her about S without feeling a lingering awkwardness, and this leads me to the worst thing about an age gap relationship. The worst thing about age gap For me, there are two parts to the downside of an age gap relationship. One trivial, one less so. Let’s start with the easy part, which is worrying about being judged. I’m the type of person who tends to veer away from standard norms of living. With many things, this doesn’t bother me—like not wanting kids and spending all my money and time on the risky business of pursuing an author career. With other things—like my age gap relationship and being into BDSM—I worry about what other people will think. I know, I know, you shouldn’t concern yourself about other people like this, but this is easier said than done when it’s an ingrained habit. So, the hard part… God, I don’t even want to go there. I’m not naïve. I know that one day the age difference will become a problem for one reason or another. I really try not to worry about this because life tends to throw you some curveballs along the way, and I just want to live in the present and enjoy this wonderful thing we have. Who knows? Maybe we’ll tire of each other before the age difference becomes a problem. I’m not the type who thinks too much about happily forever afters—even though I insist on my characters getting them lol. I see myself as more of a serial monogamist, so even though I hate the thought of our relationship ending, this might end up being the way things turn out. Is it worth it? Hell, yes. But not because of the age gap. Like everything else in life, this small factor comes with both good and bad, but it’s not what determines whether I want to be with S. I barely even think about the difference when we’re together, and when I do, it’s in this sexy dang, I’ve scored myself a good man way. An age gap may spur on a relationship if you both are turned on by this dynamic, but in the end, it should be the chemistry that keeps you

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100 Shades of BDSM

Leave a Comment / BDSM, Personal /

100 Shades of BDSM I’ve been part of the BDSM community for quite a few years now, and what has surprised me the most as I think back on everything I learned since I started is how many different shades there are to BDSM. The term itself reveals some of this diversity. It’s an umbrella term that encompasses a bunch of different kinks. The B stands for bondage, D for discipline, D/s for dominance and submission, and SM for sadism and masochism. Within the lifestyle you find endless combinations of these links: people who only come for the bondage part, people who only do the SM part, people who mix a little of everything. Then there are the degrees to which you incorporate it into your life, be it purely sexual or as a lifestyle. Furthermore, there are all the roles and genders, male Doms, female Doms, heterosexual Doms, homosexual Doms, that need to go together with the fitting counterpart. Thinking about all these endless combinations, it seems all but impossible to find a good fit. It’s difficult enough in the normal dating pool, right? Just finding someone you have the right chemistry with can be hard. Then you go ahead and narrow it down to a small community, and furthermore some very specific needs. That’s just impossible. Yet, somehow I found myself being a very lucky sub, finding myself a master who is the perfect fit for me. And I know several others who have been just as lucky. That seems like a small miracle when you consider all the above factors, and the thought of ever becoming single in such a market scares the shit out of me. But then I dig a little deeper and think about what actually happens when you get together with someone in the lifestyle. Just like in the vanilla world, you’ll never find the perfect match–someone who tics all the right boxes. You’ll find someone with a very specific set of needs and wishes that merges with your own in a sort of compromise. Something you never dreamed about doing might become interesting just because the Dom you’ve become infatuated with likes it. For instance, I’m not a painslut, just a regular masochist who enjoys pain mixed with pleasure. But the amounts of pain I could take when I started seeing my master… I still can’t comprehend how I managed. He can be a real sadist. Sometimes when I came to his place in the beginning, he would drag me from the hall straight into the bedroom and throw me on the bed, saying, “We’ll start with pain.” Then he’d take out his cane and beat my ass without a warm up. And to those of you who haven’t been on the receiving end of a cane, I can tell you that it hurts like motherf***ing hell. And yes, I’d scream into the pillow and bang my fists on the mattress, but this warm submissive feeling would also wash over me, flood my brain in pleasant fuzzyness and awaken the sensitive nervendings between my legs. It wasn’t as much the pain as the loss of control I reveled in. Just giving yourself so completely to someone that he may do whatever he pleases is truly intoxicating, and my submission for him burned so bright that it would ease the experience of the pain just knowing that he wanted me to take it. I really think you kind of merge in this way when you meet someone new, giving something to the other while getting something new that you didn’t know you had in you. So even though BDSM can be som many different things, I think that if the chemistry is there and the roles are compatible, you’ll merge your needs into something unique that can’t ever be replicated with someone else.

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